It's so hard to type what I am going to say....yesterday I lost my big sister and best friend.  I'm lost for words but I have to find them for her, I'm in shock but I need to remember her and keep her alive.   To my dear Patsy, you know how much I loved you and I cannot believe that you have gone, I don't want to believe it and yesterday I felt you were still around in your apartment,  I tried to call you, but you weren't there, I got a call from your number and nobody answered, was this you?  Were you trying to tell me you were with me?  I really hope so.  Today I feel you have left, but I haven't been able to let go, I'm so sorry, but give me time.  Remember all the fun and crazy times we had....yes you remember, because I do and will never forget.  Remember when we used to put the windows down in the car and be silly, sing loud and wave to everyone, we weren't afraid to show them that we were two crazy women, we didn't care what people thought. Remember when I lost everything and I lived in Orton, you were there for me when nobody else was, and would visit me and I would come and stay over at your place, you helped those bad times by making me feel loved, Remember when I lived in your building and would visit you and Mike every last chance I got? we had so many laughs about so many things, being silly was fun with you, and when it was my time to go upstairs to my apartment I never really wanted to but I know you and Mike needed your time together.  We could just look at each other and we knew if something was funny.  We had our inside jokes, ohhhh so many of them, and we also had our secrets which we shared.  I was never one to phone anyone, but you always phoned me, sorry Patsy I wish I picked up the phone more than I did, I wish I visited you after   I got married more often, especially after you lost Mike and was alone.  But that never seemed to bother you, because I knew you loved me and I believe that you know I love you.  remember Ted would take you grocery shopping every Saturday and how much you liked that because I know you weren't one to take your time in stores like me, and Ted was the same way, so it worked out great for both of you.  And you used to buy him breakfast, that was so sweet of you.  And every few months, Ted would drive you for your Casino day, that was our secret.  You have one coming up in July Patsy, you weren't supposed to go anywhere, you looked forward to those days.  You didn't give me a chance to grow old with you, and who am I going to be silly with now, who am I going share these secrets with and then have a laugh about it later?  Who's going to call me, knowing we can talk about everything and anything or anyone for that matter.  I don't want to add you to my wall of memories yet, I'm not ready, because I need you so much.  But when that time comes I will and get used to me talking to you as I talk to daddy's picture.  You're my best friend, someone I could talk to about anything and I feel lost without you.  All I can say right now is I miss you so much, I love you so much, and when Ted found you alone yesterday, and he called me and said it's not good, I felt that part have me has gone.  Ted said something to me later in the day that we made a "Pair", how can I be a pair when one of use is not there?     I can't say goodbye to you, Patsy, I miss you and love you and you will always be with me, I can't ever forget you and what we had.  I will never understand why God takes away the ones we love when we least expect it and for that I'm angry.  But to know that you're with daddy and mike, I feel your smile, that makes me feel better. To know the voices won't bother you anymore, for that, I am also happy because you suffered so long.  I know they say you did not suffer when you left, your heart just gave up, but what bothers me is that I don't know that for sure, I feel sad you were alone, even though you like your time alone, I wish I was there for you.  For that, I am sorry and remember you will forever be loved.  There is so much more I could talk about and I wish it could be right to you, but now  when I call there s nobody there, but I get to hear you on your answering machine, I wish you could talk back to me.  I will say goodbye, but not just yet.  I love you Patsy <3